Civility /ci-vil-i-ty/: civilized conduct especially: COURTESY, POLITENESS. (Merriam-Webster.)
The young man walked into the political science class and handed the moderator her copy of his report. When she went to shake his hand, he snubbed her. When he turned to face the class, she tore up his report. How childish these middle schoolers were behaving! Had their parents taught them nothing about proper behavior? As leaders in their class, they should have set a better example! Their behavior was so disappointing and so immature!
Oh wait! Those weren’t middle schoolers! It was the President of the United States and the Speaker of the House during the State of the Union address. No matter what their differences are, can’t they be polite and courteous? We do not have to hate each other because we have a difference of opinion! What ever happened to civility?
As I’m sure you are aware, this is an election year. How can we survive all the spewing of hatred and disrespect? How can we navigate the potential divisiveness and separation? Are we really only going to be kind to people who think exactly like we do?
Here are a few guidelines that I think may be helpful in navigating this election year.
1.) Consider the humanity of the person in front of you. Each person is created in the image of God and has value and worth. We all have a story. We all have a past that has informed our current position. That “bleeding heart” liberal or “right wing” conservative in front of you has life experiences that brought them to this place. Try to understand this person’s perspective. The point here is to imagine how they came to their conclusion, not to say you agree with them! Titus 3:1-2 says: “Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
2.) Listen to others. No I mean, really listen. You don’t have to yield any ground, but you should be willing to hear them out. The cost of listening is time and attention. It may cost you a little pride or self control but that is a price worth paying to continue dialogue and relationship. We don’t have to agree, but we need to be willing to hear others out and treat them with respect. You don’t have to change your mind, you just need to listen.
I often hear people say, “I don’t talk about politics!” I get that, but on the other hand, isn’t that saying, “I’ve made my decision, and I am not open to any new information or perspective.” Proverbs 20:12: “The hearing ear and the seeing eye, the Lord has made them both.” I’m sure you’ve heard the quote credited to Epictetus: “You have two ears and only one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak.”
Of course, there are probably people with whom this conversation will not be helpful, but I don’t think always closing yourself off is the right move. On the other hand, don’t take the bait with that person who just wants to argue! Take the high road and refuse to get sucked into conflict. We are not looking for more conflict, we are looking for civility.
Listening is not the same as tolerating. Listening is actually hearing and considering what another person is saying. It isn’t just waiting your turn to speak.
3.) Challenge yourself to ask clarifying questions before you give your opinion. After the other person feels heard and respected, they will hopefully be more willing to hear your perspective. Look for the commonality in your points of view. Comment on those… “We both agree that people need help… we just don’t agree on how to get there.” Proverbs 18:2: “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
There have always been conflicts about politics. The problem isn’t the difference in opinion, it’s what we do about it. The following quote was from an article in the Washington Post which talked about how to survive a holiday with your family who differs from you politically. “While our kind gesture or ability to absorb an insult without lobbing it back may not change the unkind person, it doesn’t mean we’re conceding the playing field to them. We’re playing by our rules and being our best selves. We don’t withhold kindness until people deserve it. We’re kind because of who we are, not who the other person is.” (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/11/25/have-different-politics-than-your-family-heres-how-survive-thanksgiing/)
In the case of a Christ follower, we are kind not because of who we are but because of who we serve. At the end of the day, we are each responsible for our own words and actions. We should act civilly to one another because it’s the right thing to do but even more importantly, we must rise above the fray because if you are a Christian, we are mandated to love one another to reflect Jesus to the world. If you are a believer, treating others well is not optional. These words from Romans 12:16-18 say it well: “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.“
Those are good words to live by this election year and always: “so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Bonnie loves to laugh and considers laughter as the best medicine. (Psalm 126:2) She is a licensed professional counselor at The Peacemaker Center and has her own private practice, True North Counseling. Bonnie and her husband, Mitch, have two daughters, three sons, five grandchildren and three grand-puppies.