On the outside my childhood looked like a slice of Americana. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood outside of Washington D.C. with single family homes, plenty of open space, lots of friends and good schools. We had a home like everyone else. (Literally! There were only four kinds of houses in our community!) Unfortunately, my home was dysfunctional on the inside. My father struggled with alcoholism, and my parents worked all the time in very unprestigious careers to make ends (barely) meet. I always felt “less than” the other kids in my neighborhood. I became overly concerned with how to gain the approval and acceptance of others so that I could feel good about myself.
What took me way-too-many years to figure out was that people pleasing was a slippery slope. This was a battle I could not win. It is impossible to have the approval of others all the time; either your performance falls short or their opinion of you isn’t what you had hoped. And let’s be honest, there is no way to please all the people all the time!
People pleasing is everywhere, and I’m always surprised when people act like it’s a good thing. Many of us constantly worry about what others think of us. I’ve told you how I got started, but people arrive here for many different reasons: fear of rejection, low self esteem, and to avoid conflict to name a few. We shape our hours and days to gain the approval of others. We think that we must have the endorsement of others to feel good about ourselves, so we strive and strive ourselves into exhaustion or hold our tongues until they are bloodied. Interestingly, many times we are busy pleasing people outside of our truest friends and family. Our closest loved ones often tend to suffer along with us as we work to please the fringe people in our lives.
As Christians this gets confusing. We know we are supposed to love and serve others. We know we are supposed to keep peace. We want to “put the needs of others ahead of our own” (Philippians 2:3), but we don’t understand how to make healthy boundaries. We don’t know where to draw the lines. (More on how Jesus handled this in Part 2 in a few weeks.)
Like the Bible teaches about all our other internal struggles, it boils down to our heart. What is my motive? Why am I considering this action? This is not as easy to determine as it may sound. If we dig deep, we will see that many of our actions are done to receive favor from others. When I examine my motives I may not like what I find:
I do for others because I want them to like me.
I give in to them to keep peace/avoid conflict even when I am resentful.
I serve because nobody else will, because I can’t say no, or to receive recognition.
At the end of the day, these things are not people pleasing, they are self-pleasing. The people pleaser gains worth and respect in these situations. The problem is that there is a void that can never be filled by man. We will never be happy if our worth is based on the opinions of others.
I have been working for decades on seeing myself as God sees me. As a Christ-follower, He made me and loves me and my acceptance and approval come from him regardless of what I do or don’t do. If I were to gain the approval of another person in a given situation, that would be a bonus but the only thing that truly matters is that I see myself like God sees me: I am loved, accepted and forgiven by him.
God tested me on my growth in this area of people pleasing during the pandemic. (Don’t roll your eyes. I know we are sick of talking about it. This is not a commentary on what you should have or should not have done!) Early on in the pandemic, when I was trying to figure out how to act, I felt God say to me: You do what I tell you and don’t worry about everyone else’s opinion.
He was calling me to put aside caring what others thought and focus on what he thinks. So for me, this was to wear a mask. Again, he might have given someone a different message for a different reason but for me, this is what I felt he wanted. (For example, I could see how God might call someone who struggled with fear, to not wear a mask and to trust him.) I think he can be teaching different things to different people at the same time. I am not trying to spiritualize the issue, it was just the means God was using to grow me. I’m not saying my choice was the “right” one or that it’s what God wanted for everyone, I’m just saying it was the way he was teaching me to NOT be a people pleaser. I felt this way over and over throughout the pandemic. I felt he was showing me over and over that the only pleasing I had to think about was pleasing him. I was reminded of John 12:43: “for they loved human praise more than praise from God.” My choice was clear, who was I trying to serve?
One particular day comes to mind that was particularly challenging. I went to a bridal shower at the home of a friend whom I knew handled this pandemic very differently from me. It was a challenge for the people pleaser in me to do what I thought God was telling me to do. I could easily have just gone with the flow, but I could sense God reminding me to be obedient to him. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.If I put people pleasing as my focus, I have taken my eyes off of Christ. I have essentially made the approval of others my idol. He has shown me this is sin.
We can learn from the apostle Paul in Galatians 1:10: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Stay tuned for Part 2 on November 18:
Lessons We Can Learn From the Life of Jesus About People Pleasing.
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Bonnie Kotler and her husband Mitch have two daughters, three sons, four grandchildren and three grand-puppies. She was a stay-at- home mom for many years before re-entering the workforce after receiving her M.S. in Counseling and Human Relations from Villanova University. She is a licensed professional counselor at The Peacemaker Center and her own private practice, True North Counseling.
Bonnie has been on the Willowdale women’s ministry teaching team since 2012. Bible studies have played a key role in her walk as a believer, and in turn, she loves to help other women find their peace with God and grow in their faith. She enjoys writing Bible study materials, reading fiction, spending time with family and doing anything in the sunshine. Bonnie loves to laugh and considers laughter as the best medicine. Psalm 126:2