“I cannot breathe free in sight of fences. I must be able to ride my horse where I like.”
– Erastus Comstock, the author’s 4th great grandfather, Oak, Nebraska, ca. 1867*
It seems to me that the older I get, the faster time goes and the more fearful I become.
My own theory of relativity explains the time increments getting smaller in proportion to how long I’ve been alive, but the fear…
I could blame the pandemic for my insular focus and anxiety. I could say that I’m maturing and becoming more risk-averse as I realize that my decisions have consequences. Maybe it was watching my grandmother living in an ever-tightening circle of existence as anxiety took her over. I could even allude to trauma in my life that causes me fear and uncertainty in certain situations.
I think the best way to explain it is that I’ve got boundary issues. Not like relationship boundaries (another blog topic!), but the boundary lines type of boundaries. One of my favorite promises God made to Israel describes this idea: “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.” Isaiah 54:2. But is living a life in fear and anxiety trusting God to enlarge my boundaries? In Psalms 16, David praises the Lord and acknowledges: “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Introspectively, I’d say that my boundary lines have fallen in very pleasant places, but I struggle to even go near the fence sometimes.
In January, our family decided to get a larger camper that we could spend time in this summer. Exciting as this was, I was scared because I have some anxiety around towing. I thought about not getting one; no one would be the wiser. People would understand that we didn’t want to tow a camper.
Instead, I remembered that I am powerful and brave because He who lives in me is greater than he who lives in the world.
Then we found Silver. He is a truck that was made to tow, he has a lot of horsepower, and he is silver. Hi-ho, Silver!
Fast forward to when we finally picked up the new camper. We could tell right away that Silver loved being in harness, but something wasn’t quite right with the braking. Everything should have been fine; the hitch was good, brakes were working when the technician checked them manually, all was good. We chalked it up to my nervousness and a new setup. However, on the next short trip, that feeling of uneasiness couldn’t be shaken. I was terrified that something was wrong. Should we cancel our 500-mile camping trip? Should I give up on towing it myself?
Instead, I stood still and let the Lord fight for me.
He led us to a software update from Toyota and a hitch adjustment and towing lesson from my mechanic. It was a whole new rodeo! My confidence grew. Until… I found out one of the roads was closed near our destination campground and there was a warning about the steepness of the grade. Should I ask to change the destination? Should we just pack a tent and not try to take the camper?
Instead, I made the most of a fleeting summer vacation and did something I was afraid of.
As my family and I cautiously navigated the twists, turns and grades of the Laurel Highlands (think lots of signs like “Steep road next 1 mile” and “Use Lowest Gear”), I was definitely anxious. But we were safe; everything we needed was provided. Being brave isn’t about not being scared. It’s about being scared and doing the thing anyway.
What will be the next thing that paralyzes me with fear? Connecting with people who are outside my insulated world? Sailing? Writing this blog? Asking for forgiveness? Sharing my story? Restoring broken or neglected relationships?
I love my God, and I love the boundary lines He has given me. I choose not to give into the fear and uncertainty; I choose not to die never having lived fully. I may live every day scared of something, but He is my portion and He is my strength. I’m going to keep on pushing against those boundary lines.
Like Grandpa Erastus, I too “love Freedom as (I) love air.” I will choose to bravely live into the fullness that God has given me, to leave the fences that the enemy would like my mind to manufacture and ride my horse into the freedom for which Christ has set me free.
“Hi-Ho, Silver! Away!”
*Ludlow, Fitz Hugh. The Heart of the Continent: A Record of Travel Across the Plains and Oregon. 1870. Kindle Book.
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Sarah Flowers lives in idyllic Chadds Ford, where she is steeped in beauty and connection to the land and its history. She loves coffee and flowers and getting to know Jesus. A lifelong learner, she seeks to follow God’s plan to bring justice to the under-resourced. Sarah is a self-declared serial optimist and melodiphile; there’s always a path to the sunny side and a soundtrack for the journey! She is a mom and wife and a grateful alumna of Northwood University. Her former iterations include automotive professional and shoe diva.