Earlier this year, I wrote a blog post for Willowdale Women called I’ll Go First. This was my first time publicly sharing the story of how God redeemed me from years of sexual sin and shame.
I never planned to share this story. That piece of my life is one I hoped would stay buried in a deep, dark place for a long time, until the day I was buried in a deep, dark place. I could not imagine anyone knowing the secret I’d kept since I was a little girl who learned how to get really good at hide-and-seek — minus the part where I was found.
But then God stepped into my story. In His loving kindness, He shone a light into that dark place where I was hiding and pulled me out.
I thought this was enough. I was ready to move on after healing, to live my new life of freedom and never look back. Only me, Jesus, and the people who walked with me through that journey had to know what I’d been through. It could stay a secret.
God, unsurprisingly, had other plans.
Tell them what I’ve done for you.
Through the Scriptures, God commands His people to testify about His goodness, about the miracles of healing and rescue they’d experienced by His hand. I began to feel this same command, gentle yet firm, tugging at my heart.
Tell them. Tell them what I’ve done.
I knew what God was asking me to do. But I was terrified of doing it.
I was afraid of how people would respond to a woman talking about her sexual sin. I was especially afraid of sharing my particular story, of the details that seem to set it apart from other testimonies I’d heard.
What if no one can relate to my story?
What if people see me differently?
What if this confession changes my life, and not for the better?
Those were the questions swirling around my head like shards of ice in a blizzard. But then another question pierced through all of them.
What if your story sets another girl free?
So one night, after reading the first couple chapters of the book Quenched* and taking a walk around my neighborhood, I wrote my story. It wasn’t my first time writing it, but it was my first time doing so with the intention of sharing it. I didn’t know how or when. The idea of submitting it to Willowdale Women crossed my mind — especially since I had a blog post due the following week — but I didn’t feel like I was ready for that kind of public exposure yet. I figured I would give it a couple months, maybe when it was my turn to submit again. So I closed the notebook I’d written my story in, stretched out my cramped hand, and went to bed.
That night I had some of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had. One of the dreams kept repeating itself over and over, and I remember feeling distressed and helpless.
When I finally woke up around 3 or 4 that morning, I started to pray. I looked up verses about fighting spiritual warfare, including the one about putting on the armor of God. I asked the Lord to protect my mind and heart from the enemy’s attacks.
Then my eyes fell on this verse: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
Suddenly I remembered another dream I had that night, one I’d forgotten about until that moment.
I was standing on the roof of a building, gazing down at the ground. Far below were several enclosures with animals inside of them. I don’t remember what all the animals were, but I remember two of them in particular: a lion and a bear.
The bear was huge. It dwarfed all the other animals, including the lion, in size. I remember looking at this lion and thinking “If these animals get into a fight, the bear is going to win.”
Then a fight broke out. Within minutes, the lion had every single animal in its mouth, including the bear. The bear was in front of all the others, hanging lifeless from the lion’s jaws. It had no power anymore.
I remember locking eyes with the lion. I remember being afraid.
So when I read this verse, my first thought was “Oh my gosh. The lion in my dream was the enemy. He was trying to intimidate me, to show me how powerful he is and make me scared of him.”
Almost as soon as this thought crossed my mind, a new one entered.
But I’m a lion, too. And I’m the one who wins.
In that instant, my dream took on a new meaning. The Lion was my Savior, the bear my enemy, and all the other animals were the fears holding me back from telling my story. Fears of being judged or condemned. Of strangers or loved ones misunderstanding or even leaving me because of what I was about to share.
Jesus was stronger than all of these fears. He was the One who would protect me. If He asked me to take this step of faith, He was going to walk beside me every step after that. Like Aslan scaring away the unseen beasts in The Horse in His Boy so Shasta could make it safely to his destination, He would shield me from the enemy’s attacks. From every nightmare and harsh word.
Even if the worst happened and some of my fears over sharing my story came true, I was going to be okay. Because in the end, it was my Lion who would have the final victory.
A couple of weeks later, “I’ll Go First” was published. My story was out in the world for the first time, accessible for strangers and friends and family members alike.
I have never once looked back or regretted that choice. Those words I’d penned in the shadows of my bedroom one night, words I never thought would see the light, helped at least one other woman feel less alone in her own darkness. That, to me, is worth every risk.
So I have decided that I will keep sharing this story. I will continue telling others what the Lord has done for me, whether it’s in conversation with a close friend, in front of a group of people, or maybe even someday in a book.
And every time I do, my own roaring Lion will be right by my side.
“Then one of the elders said to me, ‘Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.” Revelation 5:5
*Quenched: Discovering God’s Abundant Grace for Women Struggling with Pornography and Sexual Shame by Jessica Harris
Song Recommendation: LION by Elevation Worship
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Kati Lynn Davis grew up in Chester County. After a brief stay on the other side of Pennsylvania to earn a writing degree from the University of Pittsburgh, she returned to the area and got a job working for a local library. When she isn’t writing, Kati enjoys reading, drawing, watching movies (especially animated ones!), drinking bubble tea, hanging out with her family cat, and going for very slow runs.
Kati is pretty sure she’s an Enneagram 4 but is constantly having an identity crisis over it, so thankfully she’s learning to root her sense of self in Jesus.
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