May is Foster Care Awareness Month. There are almost 500,000 children nationwide in need of foster homes. The church is an integral part of this system. Many in the church are involved as foster parents, and others are on the sidelines supporting these families. I thought I could provide some insight on what it’s like to be a foster parent, as well as share what your role could be in the process.
Before I signed up to foster, I remember what I thought it meant to be a foster parent. I heard stories from others and imagined my path would be similar or maybe even easier. I thought God wouldn’t call me to hard things I couldn’t handle. I would only take babies because they weren’t impacted as bad, and it would be hard for me to parent kids who were older that had significant trauma.
So far my husband and I have been foster parents to six different children ranging from four months to seven years, and here are some of the lessons we have learned.
It’s not about us...at all. This journey is all about serving God and loving His children. Psalm 82:3 tells us “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.” God put fostering and adoption on our heart when we were newly married. We put it off for many years because we thought it would be too hard to handle. Having biological children seemed like an easier route emotionally. But, we have come to see firsthand that when you are fulfilling the prompting that God puts inside of you, He gives you the strength daily for each moment you will face. These children did not choose to be removed from their homes. They were depending on parents who for various reasons could not care for them at the time. The hard moments and hurtful words or long nights of babies crying is a response beyond their control and something we had to surrender to God.
You will get attached. And that is ok. Most of the time I hear people say that they couldn’t do foster care because they would get too attached. When my first two foster sons left our home, my heart broke into pieces. We didn’t see the court decision going the way it did, and we were in shock because we didn’t realize that there was family (kinship care) to take them. Now I know this is great for the children and the family, but back then I thought, “Why did I let myself get so attached in such a short period?” If you love deep, which you should be doing if you are caring for kids, how can it not happen? They can’t afford for us to not pour our heart out as if they were our own. They need to feel the security of a loving environment while they are separated from their biological parents regardless of how hard it is for us to let go of them when they leave. God calls us to love others well. All throughout the Bible, He calls us to love. Mark 12:29-31 shares the commandments, “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Have compassion on the children’s families. Pray for them and do not judge. This is where it can get hard. Sometimes the environments they come from are excruciatingly difficult. But the parents are still people. They are God’s children too. Well deserving of our prayer and hope that the Bible promises. While sometimes it is not best for the children to be with their biological parents, we still need to speak kindly of them and treat them with dignity because, like us, they can receive the grace and the love of Christ.
So, if you aren’t a foster parent, where do you fit in? Here are three basic ways to support the fostering community:
Provide respite. We have been a foster parent for almost three years and have had very few people offer to watch the kids for us. The people that have stepped in have meant so much to my husband and me. It could just be for an hour, while the parents are home to get chores done or a quick date night. Anything helps because being a foster parent brings different emotions than parenting our own biological children. Even a short break provides much needed relief and recharging.
Spend time getting to know the kids. Treat them as if they were part of the family. I can’t express that enough. Creating connections with foster children is such a vital part of their development. For them to see what relationships mean and what healthy ones look like can make a difference in their lives forever. They may not have had that in their background. Maybe you bake cookies with them or hold a baby for a mom while you are visiting. Your investment could be something they take with them forever.
Above all else, pray. And pray some more. Pray for the children. Their circumstance is very fluid and often uncertain for long periods of time. While secure with their foster families, they are often confused and sometimes place a lot of blame on themselves for their current situation. Pray for their families. They have lost their children. Grandparents lose their grandkids. A family is now broken. This is worthy to bring to the throne of God daily to ask for reconciliation. Pray for the foster parents you know. Being a foster parent is rewarding but emotional and at times exhausting. Parenting becomes different (as it should) because of the trauma these children have faced. Pray for foster parents’ endurance in the situations that sometimes change hourly.
I love being part of a church that sees this as a great need in the community. Everyone has a part. I pray you will find yours and see how you are doing God’s great work in these beautiful children’s lives.
ABOUT THE BLOGGER
Susan Veenema has been in education for almost 20 years supporting children with disabilities and their families and currently works for the Department of Education. Susan and her husband, Jeremy, love exploring Chester County with their two older biological daughters and three foster children. People are her passion.
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