A people pleasing Jesus would have neither served God nor man. He would not have spoken the truth that would set us free because he would have worried about who would be offended. He would not have overturned the tables of the moneychangers in the temple because he would have been concerned about what people would think of his “temper.” He would have told Nicodemus that it was enough that he came to him at night, and he didn’t need to worry about being born again. He would not have challenged the woman at the well to reevaluate her sinful lifestyle for fear he would have hurt her feelings and thus she would have missed out on the living water. He would have been so worried about not having enough variety of foods or everyone’s comfort at the table that he may not have fed the 5,000. Would he have stood up for the woman caught in adultery or would he have kept silent to win the approval of the crowd?
And so on, right up to the cross. If Jesus was a people pleaser, he may not have been willing to displease the Father by taking on the sins of the world. We should all thank God that Jesus showed us that we can serve God without being a people pleaser! I really think there is a lot of confusion about this in our Christian communities.
Jesus was not a people pleaser. His life was lived for an audience of one. Although Jesus is fully loving and compassionate, it is also true that he was not concerned with who got upset or whose feelings he hurt. He was not worried about who he disappointed. We can’t look at his life and make the argument that our goal is to please others all the time. This is not what he modeled. We know Jesus fully loves mankind and wants what is best for all of us, and yet, he didn’t focus on making people happy.
Here are a few things that we might want to consider from the life of Jesus if we struggle with seeking approval of others (aka people pleasing.)
1. Jesus said no. He knew that he couldn’t say yes to every request. He didn’t drop what he was doing and rush off just because someone asked. When Mary and Martha asked him to come to heal Lazarus, Jesus didn’t go right away.
John 11:5-6 “Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.” Jesus had an eternal perspective on all things. Now I’m not saying that you wouldn’t go help a friend in need if you could, but you at least have to consider what your other concerns are. What should your boundaries be in this instance?
If Jesus were fully a people pleaser in this moment, he would have rushed off to heal Lazarus and God would not have had the opportunity to raise him from the dead. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to stick with your priorities.
I think Jesus said no a lot. He didn’t heal everyone but it wasn’t a reflection of how much he loved or cared. I’m guessing that some people who were brought to Jesus for healing did not make it to the “front of the line.” One of the reasons Jesus couldn’t heal indefinitely is because he had the constraints of a human body.
2. Jesus set boundaries. He did this because these pauses were necessary for his and his disciples' physical, emotional, and spiritual health. He needed food, water, and rest. He needed to commune with the Father and to train the disciples. We see more than ten times in the gospels where Jesus pulled away from the crowds either by himself or only with his 12 disciples. (Matthew 5:1, 8:18, 14:22, 15:39 to name a few.) Like Jesus, we must take a break from the demands in our lives. We must be willing to set boundaries around our priorities and ourselves.
3. Jesus focused on those closest to him. Jesus came to save the world but he also took care of his disciples. He attended to his inner circle (Peter, James, and John), spending time alone with them and then the rest of the 12. He poured into these men first. We too, have people in whom we are called to invest. If we are married, our spouse and then children should be a priority above others. If you are single, you too have a core group of people to attend to. As I mentioned in the previous blog, many people pleasers worry more about people who are less close to them. I’ve seen people miss important events in their children’s lives because they were so worried about what a coworker or friend would think of them if they cancel a meeting, or ignore their aging parent, spouse or best friend so they don’t delay an email response. The point here is that our focus should be on our inner circles first and then centrifugal circles.
4. Jesus focused on God’s desires, not on man’s. Our priorities should be God and his Kingdom work. (“For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.” John 6:38.) If our focus is seeking the approval of others, we are off track. The Bible tells us we can’t serve two masters. Jesus said in John 8:39: “I always do the things that are pleasing to him.” That’s what we should do also. We were not created to please others but to please God.
4. Jesus knew that his worth came from how God viewed him. “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” Matthew 3:17. God’s opinion is ultimately the only one that matters. The praise and applause of people is nice but it is often based on our performance (and our performance isn’t always perfect). People’s approval is often shifting sand, so if we look to it to give us our value and identity, we will invariably be disappointed. We were made in the image of God and it is his love that gives us worth; his love is not contingent on anything we do or not do .
Let us apply what we can learn from the life of Jesus about people pleasing. From one recovering people pleaser to another, my prayer for you is that you would see yourself as God sees you. His love for you is perfect, so that you don’t have to be. You don’t need to earn God’s favor; you already have it if you are in Christ. Because of Jesus’ work on the cross, when God sees you, he sees perfection.
If you missed last month’s blog, “Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser,” you may wish to take a look.
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Bonnie and her husband Mitch have two daughters, three sons, four grandchildren and three grand-puppies. She was a stay-at- home mom for many years before re-entering the workforce after receiving her M.S. in Counseling and Human Relations from Villanova University. She is a licensed professional counselor at The Peacemaker Center and her own private practice, True North Counseling. Bonnie has been on the Willowdale women’s ministry teaching team since 2012. Bible studies have played a key role in her walk as a believer, and in turn, she loves to help other women find their peace with God and grow in their faith. She enjoys writing Bible study materials, reading fiction, spending time with family and doing anything in the sunshine. Bonnie loves to laugh and considers laughter as the best medicine. Psalm 126:2
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