A friend called one night with the exciting news that she was engaged! I was ecstatic and immediately asked for all the details. Tears of joy filled my eyes. I hopped online to send her a celebratory treat. I rejoiced with her…
And later, I curled up in bed and I cried again. This time tears of pain, of longing, of the knowledge that even though for the best of reasons, our friendship would change. And I grieved that. This was not a dainty, small, dab-my-eyes sniffle. It was an ‘ugly cry’ if there ever was one. Tears wetting my pillow, blotchy face and puffy eyes, nose running like a faucet, the shuddering breath.
And then, by God’s grace and strength, I was able to return to a place of joy and celebration.
Our lives are full of ‘ands.’ In my typical “black or white” fashion, I used to feel guilty about that, thinking “If I were really happy, grateful, content, etc., I wouldn’t feel this way.” So, I’d shove those feelings into a corner and not allow them to come out. They were not acceptable and needed to be hidden.
But that never really worked. The truth is, we can hold onto both: joy and sorrow, gratitude and pain, faith and confusion. Honestly, if we don’t allow ourselves to feel and confront those hard emotions, our joy, gratitude and faith is half hearted at best because the energy we use to battle not feeling these ‘bad’ emotions drains us. It impacts our ability to wholeheartedly rejoice with those around us, to feel truly thankful, and to have a genuine faith.
At least for me, once I recognize, pray, and wrestle with these ‘unacceptable’ thoughts and feelings (and when needed, confessing when they cross over into jealousy and envy), I am better able to release them. While they still crop up from time to time, I experience more peace.
We can be grateful and still be struggling.
We can be happy that someone got a new job and sad they are moving.
We can be at peace because a loved one is no longer suffering and grieve that we must now go through life without them.
We can express excitement for an expectant mother and still long for a baby of our own.
We can praise God and still feel distant from Him.
The Psalms are full of this “and’ mentality. The Psalmist cries out to God. He lays it all out. And by the end (though we don’t know how much time has passed), he often says, “Yet I will still praise you.”
In Psalm 6:3, 6-10, David cries out to God:
“My soul is greatly troubled.
By you, O Lord-how long?
I am weary with my moaning;
Every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eyes waste away because of grief;
It grows weak because of all my foes…
And (added by me)
The Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
The Lord accepts my prayer…”
Even Jesus had conflicting feelings. He was willing to sacrifice his life and still plead with God to save him.
“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.
Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)
And the Bible says he was in agony as he poured out His heart to His Father:
“And being in agony he prayed more earnestly,
and his sweat became like great drops of blood
falling down to the ground.” (Luke 22:44)
He then rose from prayer and was led to the cross. Jesus experienced very real emotion and he was still obedient.
He held pain in one outstretched hand and willingness to die for our salvation in the other.
That is the power of ‘And.’
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Danielle (Dani) Rupp grew up in a small town in Ohio and is a true Buckeye fan, though she tries not to be obnoxious about it. In 2011 she came to Pennsylvania to earn her Master of Social Work degree. Dani returned last year from South Asia, where she volunteered with International Justice Mission, learned to tolerate spicy food and cross the roads without being hit.
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