I once heard someone describe their singleness like this: “It hits, but it doesn’t haunt.” These six words perfectly sum up my own experience as a single person. More days than not, I truly feel content in my relationship status.
I come from a tight-knit biological family (immediate and extended) whom I visit with quite often.
I’m surrounded by incredible friends and a wonderful church family.
I go to jobs that I enjoy during the day and fall asleep in a home where I feel safe at night.
I wake up excited to put pencil to paper and pursue dreams I’ve had since I was a child.
I know that I am saved, restored, and deeply adored by the God who named the stars and made my heart. He has given me so many blessings that are far beyond what I deserve, and I need to remind myself of them every single day.
Because on the days when my singleness hits, it hits hard.
It might be a wedding invitation, golden-lit engagement photos posted to Facebook, or the unfairly happy ending of a romantic comedy. It might just be a Tuesday night when I’m alone in my house and wishing I had someone to eat takeout and watch Pixar movies with. It might not be triggered by anything in particular.
But in these moments, the lies of the enemy begin to creep in — the types of words that burrow into my heart and make it so heavy I can barely stand.
You’re too much.
You’re not enough.
Nobody wants you.
Everyone feels sorry for you.
Your friends have forgotten about you.
You will be alone for the rest of your life.
This, friends, is why we need you to speak the truth to us. To remind us who we are and Whose we are. To behold us as a precious image bearer of God, one whose path may be carved a little differently than most of the people around us, especially if we’re in the church (and especially if we’re older than about twenty-four).
I could talk for days about all the unhelpful things I’ve heard as a single person (and I already have in Part One of this series), but I believe it’s equally important to spend time talking about the helpful words that can be spoken to a single person.
These words can comfort a hurting soul the way kisses on scraped knees can soothe a crying child. They won’t fix your single friend’s pain or erase our loneliness.
What they will do is let us know that we are not alone.
We may not have a wedding band on our finger, but we have a band of brothers and sisters who can help us untangle the lies we’ve been believing. We have spiritual mothers and fathers who can look us in the eye, take our bare left hands in their own, and grieve with us over the heartache that grows a little sharper with each passing birthday. We have the family of Christ by our side, a family that will last far beyond this earthly lifetime and into eternity.
Many of us single folk know these things deep down. Still, it means the world to us when our non-single friends make a point to remind us that we are important to them. That we are whole human beings who are worthy of someone else’s time, care, and attention.
Here are some words that will do just that:
I’ve never seen you here before. What’s your story?
Would you like to get coffee or lunch sometime? I’d love to get to know you better.
How have you experienced God’s goodness recently?
What are some dreams or goals you have for your life?
Do you hope to be married someday?
Would you be comfortable sharing how you feel about your singleness today?
Are you interested in being set up? What are some traits you look for in a partner?
Would you like to have dinner with me and my family?
Do you enjoy spending time with kids? Would you be interested in watching mine?
What are your gifts? How do you see yourself using them to serve your church family?
How can your church family better serve you as a single person?
What are some good things about being single?
What are some hard things about being single?
Does singleness ever get lonely? Is there anything I can do to help?
Are you doing anything special for your birthday?
Do you have plans for the holidays? Would you like to spend them with my family?
Would you like to sit with us today?
Can I give you a hug?
Can I pray for you?
I know this is difficult for you, and I’m sorry.
I know this isn’t what you thought your life would look like. It’s okay to grieve over that if you need to.
Here are some flowers I got/a card I made/candy I picked up because I was thinking of you.
I think it’s beautiful how you live out your singleness so faithfully.
I’m so happy you’re here.
You belong with us.
You are seen.
You matter.
I love you.
Would you like to get takeout and watch a Pixar movie with me sometime?
If you’re interested in reading more words from a similar perspective, my fellow blogger Dani Rupp has also written about her own experiences as a single woman in the church. Check out a couple of her articles below!
ABOUT OUR BLOGGER
Kati Lynn Davis grew up in Chester County. After a brief stay on the other side of Pennsylvania to earn a writing degree from the University of Pittsburgh, she returned to the area and got a job working for a local library. When she isn’t writing, Kati enjoys reading, drawing, watching movies (especially animated ones!), drinking bubble tea, hanging out with her family cat, and going for very slow runs. Kati is pretty sure she’s an Enneagram 4 but is constantly having an identity crisis over it, so thankfully she’s learning to root her sense of self in Jesus.